Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
