Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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