I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
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