I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
