dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
She's the barista slut.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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