dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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