Plan B is the new Plan A
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
