apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
