i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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