White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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