fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
