my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
