I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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