I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
