I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
