Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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