Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize