wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
