um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
