Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
