Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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