I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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