So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
