Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
