if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Randomize
