I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Randomize
