I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
