im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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