If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
