I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
