update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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