I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Randomize
