if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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