I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
