There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
