We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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