I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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