I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
