i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
