When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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