took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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