Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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