Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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