Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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