can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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