Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize