she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
