Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
