no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
