How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
