guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
