The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Randomize
