I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
