Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
