I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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