I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
