I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
