my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize