apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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